8-24-22:I hope im strong enough to regret myself one day. I reach for the handle and think of your exposed knee, your gaze never fixed. Sharp rain and fresh cracked leaves ring in the first week of school, and i hear a low voice above a dry, clean wind. He tells me to get on my knees. Dont be afraid of the new clanging in the backseat, my love. It’s only yesterday. What a strange feeling to move and not go anywhere. To push your elbows back and knees forward and stay frozen. A comfort in the arms of realized strength. Young minds say to cut the line. To let God free in me, in the eyes of stratified perversion, blow through my legs and blast past obsolescence. But in god’s silence, when the air is hot and still, i just want it tighter! Yet, while we pray in the home, with our blackout curtains, even unplugging the cameras, any boy, I’ll invite you. Tell me I’m the worst and push.
8-22-22:I didnt want any of this. The comfort has always been the truth of the lie. That i have plastic genes. That i was born in a big blue house in a big green field. And that i felt astroturf under my feet. And when i felt grass for the first time i felt nothing. That i had the gym and the pool and the fucking boat on a whim. I was always safe, like a pet. I went to do the laundry today. I was naked and i looked in the mirror. All i had that day was a can of diet coke. My heart could explode at any time. I was fat. I saw the future, and god filling the empty space between oneness and sovereignty, and i was too weak. I will be swept away very quickly. I was raised with pills in my mouth.
8-15-22:Well uh, god is in the discursive space in between machines. “God.” God is eternal, but eternity is not static. To solidify God through the word of god, treated as law, inherently cancels its divinity.
(EXPAND EVE)
8-14-22: Considering we are all sinners from conception, dirty all the way down, and when we first hear about hell, assuming that knowledge motivates us to act in our self interest, then to attempt redemption is a selfish act. And since one can easily struggle with their faith their whole lives and slip up(they are permanently sinners after all), snd seen as no different then the biggest degenerate, it makes me wonder if you should even bother attempting. Monastic living is the only way, but does not mesh well with the system of private property and wage labor, which will continue to swallow up every square inch of the planet until it shatters under the weight of its own faulty logic. What is capital but the means by which pure desire centralizes, under the guidance of a few rich assholes, culminating in those asshole committing the purest sin imaginable, and thus exhausting the potential if what that system was made to do? True redemption would need to be a revolutionary act against a system of selfishness itself.
The dictatorship of the last against the first.
8-8-22: We were Americans We knew what he had to do Ride the bus, say hello We shook hands Now everything we said would happen, happened Kids got shot up in the desert Skyscrapers shattered and rained glass on heads I didnt buy more shells to keep at the door Its over now Now we ride the bus My boss owns the bus
8-1-22:Over the last few days ive noticed how long a period of my life ive just been withering away. Physically and mentally, my chest always in pain. Ive felt the urge to keep some kind of record, just to remind myself of the things around me, its easy to forget. I forget about Oakley. I forget about my drums, or how to play them. I wish i had the will to pursue something and know it will pay off in some kind of satisfaction. Ive seen praise and success in my life and its never given me a sense of fulfillment or the will to chase something even above that. I understand the progression of success just fine, and the mindset necessary to start. I just dont know if its worth starting. Any more worth doing than sitting here, working until i die.
Im bored with irony. Its not clever or interesting in any kind of art, its pastiche at this point. Irony puts mfs in presidential office now. If the world is going to get interesting again you need to be sincere about what you like about it. Consistent irony portrays the norm as the constant outcome. All it does is give you a sense of detachment from the world which 1. Isnt actually detached, just feels like it, and 2. Isn’t something you should want anyway, the world is all we have.
7-27-22: I am spoken to by everything around me, and someone with a lot of money made sure it was put there. But you already knew that. How do you develop yourself when every nook and cranny of language has been stuffed with someone else content? The last 80 years of technological advancements have been means of compiling and synthesizing previous ideas and rarely tools for creating new ones. We’ve invented ourselves into a corner of perfection. Sterile, inhuman perfection.
7-24-22: Progress is dead. Progress is the pleasant myth. Long live resolution. May foundation spiral.